Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life

Paradise

Just could this be paradise

right here where you are?

Nirvana within you

not somewhere afar?

Tho’ some would decry it

and say it can’t be

just follow along

if you long to be free.

Your life’s what you make it -

your choices each day

the thoughts that you harbor

and words that you say

determine the status

of your life today.

So if you want more

than you think you have now

watch closely your mindset

and you’ll find out how

Just live in the present.

Think only the best

about yourself first

and then all the rest

of your brothers and sisters -

you’ll find that you’re blest

and really in paradise.

It’s all in your mind.

Whatever you look for

is just what you’ll find.

— Larry Brophy

(Photo by H. Thronson)

Midlife Lifestyle: Time to Bring Back Conversation

The following article got my attention because it covers a topic that had just been on my mind.

My husband and I recently returned from a trip to Orlando (part business, part pleasure).  While there we found an incredible restaurant/wine and jazz bar where we had a delicious meal, excellent service and great conversation.

During the evening a “middle-aged”, well-dressed, professional-looking couple came in and were seated a few tables away.  Since they were in my line of sight I couldn’t help but notice them during the hour or so that they were there. The interesting part was that they probably only spoke with one another for about 10 minutes during the whole time. Didn’t they have anything else to say?

Obviously, there could have been a number of reasons they weren’t communicating (just had a fight, jet lag, etc) but my thought was “how sad.”  As the following article goes on to state, we have, in many cases, lost the art of conversation.

Perhaps it’s time we brought it back!

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Is the Art of Conversation Dying?

(And if so, why?)

Broadly speaking, I’d answer with “Yes.”  I notice much less of this art than I did a few decades ago.

Another way I respond to this question is that “The artists of conversation are dying off, and there are fewer remaining.”

Why are they “dying off”?

As with the pandemic of obesity and poor health, if people have too little exercise and too much junk food, their health will fail. High blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, etc.

The same is true with the art of conversation: It’s a “use it or lose it” situation.

Here are some key reasons why this art seems to be dying:

1.  We live in a hurry-up world that doesn’t support lengthy conversations. The main way people learn and maintain skills in the art of conversation is the amount of time they devote to it.  But if everyone’s rushing and too busy to talk, their skills suffer.

2. Conversation has been replaced by television as a form of social and family entertainment.  Although you may go to the home of friends to watch a TV show or a DVD, you are less likely to pay a visit for an evening of talk.  The number of hours Americans spend watching television is huge compared to the time they spend talking.

During my childhood, family friends and their kids would come for a visit and an evening of coffee and conversation.  We kids would play board games or cards.   Sometimes kids would just listen to the grown-ups, especially if one of them was a good story-teller.  Nowadays?  Not so much.  In fact, almost not at all.

3.  True “third places” are fewer. Not the home or the workplace, but a place that is highly accessible and free or inexpensive for food and drink such as lodges, bowling alleys, neighborhood pubs, coffee shops.  At best, they’re like the bar in the classic TV show Cheers, “where everybody knows my name.”

Robert Putnam of Harvard wrote his book, Bowling Alone (2000) to describe the “The Collapse and Revival of American Community.”    Since its publication I have seen a continuing collapse - but not many signs of revival.

4.  My guess:  Conversation skills are not valued in our society as they once were. Rarely do I hear a person described as “well-spoken,” or as a “fascinating conversationalist.”   I used to hear such phrases as compliments that identified a person.

What is valued is sought after.  My belief is that if conversation skill were highly valued, hundreds of courses and programs would spring up to support people to master the skill.

What can you do to maintain or grow your art of conversation?

• Participate in a book club where members discuss ideas.  (Most public libraries host or know about such clubs in your community.)
• Join or form a “conversation café.”  The rules for setting up such an activity are pretty simple, and get-togethers are held in local coffee shops.  Check www.conversationcafe.org for details.  Or form a “MasterMind Group”  with a few associates to help advance toward your goals.
• Defy convention and host “an evening of conversation” at your home. Turn off the tube.  Play a word game like “Fictionary” to get people talking.  Or create some “Getting to Know You” conversation starters.
• Identify the smart and articulate people in your life and invite one of them for a walk or a cup of tea for the purpose of sharing your thoughts in a deeper conversation.  (This can work, as philosopher Theodore Zeldin has demonstrated with his popular “Feast of Conversation” events in London where hundreds show up for the opportunity to talk about deep ideas with a complete stranger.)

Just as staying trim and fit takes some time and effort with exercising and eating wholesome food, keeping your art of conversation alive also takes a some special effort.

The Better Conversations Newsletter by Loren Ekroth.  Reprinted with permission.  Copyright 2010.  All Rights Reserved.  Dr. Loren Ekroth is the publisher of “Better Conversations” newsletter since 2002.  For a free subscription to The Better Conversations newsletter visit www.conversationmatters.com

It’s a Matter of Perception

One day a father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose of showing his son how poor people can be. They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family.

On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, “How was the trip?” “It was great, Dad.” “Did you see how poor people can be?” the father asked. “Oh Yeah” said the son. “So what did you learn from the trip?” asked the father.

The son answered, “I saw that we have one dog and they had four. We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end. We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night. Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon.

We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight. We have servants who serve us, but they serve others. We buy our food, but they grow theirs. We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them.” With this the boy’s father was speechless. Then his son added, “Thanks dad for showing me how poor we are.”

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Each day we go through a myriad of feelings.  Sometimes we’re joyful and happy, sometimes frustrated and angry or perhaps simply in a neutral space.  One feeling lasts for a period of time and is then replaced by another one.

These feelings are the result of our perceptions about what is going on in the moment.  Our reality.  But my reality is not the same as your reality.  Imagine that you are out walking at dusk.  You turn a corner on a dusty road, see a snake and scream.  I am right behind you, turn the same corner and see only a piece of rope on the road. Same situation, different perceptions.  In the story above, the father sees poverty where his son sees abundance.

So next time you are feeling frustrated, angry and irritated, at yourself or someone else, take a moment and try to see the situation from a different perspective. Sometimes life isn’t fair and sometimes we have no control over events but there’s always another way to look at it if we just stop and take the time.

“We don’t see things as they are. We see them as we are.” – Anais Nin

Attitude is a Matter of Choice

What are you sculpting today?

The Sculptor’s Attitude

“I woke up early today, excited over all I get to do before the clock strikes midnight. I have responsibilities to fulfill today. I am important. My job is to choose what kind of day I am going to have.

Today I can complain because the weather is rainy or … I can be thankful that the grass is getting watered for free.

Today I can feel sad that I don’t have more money or … I can be glad that my finances encourage me to plan my purchases wisely and guide me away from waste.

Today I can grumble about my health or … I can rejoice that I am alive.

Today I can lament over all that my parents didn’t give me when I was growing up or … I can feel grateful that they allowed me to be born.

Today I can cry because roses have thorns or … I can celebrate that the thorns have roses.

Today I can mourn my lack of friends or … I can excitedly embark upon a quest to discover new relationships.

Today I can whine because I have to go to work or … I can shout for joy because I have a job to do.

Today I can complain because I have to go to school or … eagerly open my mind and fill it with rich new tidbits of knowledge.

Today I can murmur dejectedly because I have to do housework or … I can feel honored because God has provided shelter for my mind, body and soul.

Today stretches ahead of me, waiting to be shaped. And here I am, the sculptor who gets to do the shaping. What today will be like is up to me. I get to choose what kind of day I will have!

Have a GREAT DAY … unless you have other plans.”

—Author Unknown

This piece spoke to me because of a recent client. He had just completed an assessment which pinpointed how his THINKING, (not the situations) was not only causing stress in his life and leading to health issues but also keeping him from being successful. Seeing it “on paper” was a real AHA moment for him.

We talk to ourselves all day and 90% of it is negative. If you’re at all familiar with some of the quantum physics concepts, you know that what you put out into the world is what you get back. The more negativity you put out there, the more negative situations you will find around you.

So next time you have a negative thought, STOP, and turn it into a positive one. It can’t hurt and it might just change your life. It’s your choice!

Choose to Enjoy Being Alone

A Relationship with Self

Enjoy Being Alone

Being Alone

The most important relationship we have in our lives is with our selves, mind, body and spirit.

The most important relationship we have in our lives is with our selves. And even though we are the only ones who are present at every moment of our lives-from birth onward-this relationship can be the most difficult one to cultivate. This may be because society places such emphasis on the importance of being in a romantic partnership, even teaching us to set aside our own needs for the needs of another. Until we know ourselves, however, we cannot possibly choose the right relationship to support our mutual growth toward our highest potential. By allowing ourselves to be comfortable with being alone, we can become the people with whom we want to have a relationship.

Perhaps at no other time in history has it been possible for people to survive, and even thrive, while living alone. We can now support ourselves financially, socially, and emotionally without needing a spouse for survival in any of these realms. With this freedom, we can pursue our own interests and create fulfilling partnerships with friends, business partners, creative cohorts, and neighbors. Once we’ve satisfied our needs and created our support system, a mate then becomes someone with whom we can share the bounty of all we’ve created and the beauty we’ve discovered within ourselves.

As we move away from tradition and fall into more natural cycles of being in the world today, we may find that there are times where being alone nourishes us and other periods in which a partnership is best for our growth. We may need to learn to create spaces to be alone within relationships. When we can shift our expectations of our relationships with ourselves and others to opportunities for discovery, we open ourselves to forge new paths and encounter uncharted territory. Being willing to know and love ourselves, and to find what truly makes us feel deeply and strongly, gives us the advantage of being able to attract and choose the right people with whom to share ourselves, whether those relationships fall into recognizable roles or not. Choosing to enjoy being alone allows us to fully explore our most important relationship-the one with our true selves.

This article is printed from DailyOM - Inspirational thoughts for a happy, healthy and fulfilling day.
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When I’ve been Unsuccessful, I’ve been Controlled …

When I’ve been unsuccessful, I’ve been controlled. When I’ve been successful, I’ve been in control - Katherine Hepburn

Questions to Ask Yourself…

• If your life is out of control, who or what is “calling the shots”?  (You may not be able to abdicate your responsibilities, but you can control the way you view them)

• Why are you allowing the who or what to control you?  (You must be gaining some benefit by allowing this to happen. If you weren’t getting something out of it, you would change it)

• What will happen if you take back control?   (It may not be as bad as you think)

• Do you know what taking back control looks like?  (Clarity is the first step)

Action Steps

• Decide on what the most important thing in your life is right now.

• Take just one step that will give you back some control and then follow it up with more small steps.

• Understand that it’s YOUR choice.

You can’t ignore external life situations but you’ll never be successful if you allow them to control your thoughts and emotions. Blaming them for your success or failure is like waking up in the morning and asking someone else how you should feel.

Listen With Your Heart

“It seems rather incongruous that in a society of super sophisticated communication, we often suffer from a shortage of listeners” –Erma Bombeck

In today’s world many people suffer from “agenda anxiety”, a term author, consultant, motivational speaker Nido Qubein uses for “the feeling that what we want to say to others is more important than what they might want to say to us.” So instead of truly listening to the other person, we are already formulating what we want to say in our minds.

When communication is lacking, relationships suffer. If you want to improve your relationships, practice listening from the heart and then speaking.

The authors of Managing From the Heart discuss what it means to communicate from the heart. Here are the five principles of “H-E-A-R-T” communication:

H - Hear and understand me.

E - Even if you disagree, please don’t make me wrong.

A - Acknowledge the greatness within me.

R - Remember to look for my loving intentions.

T - Tell me the truth with compassion.

Next time you’re involved in a conversation, focus on listening without giving any thought to your response.  It is only by communicating from the heart that you can make a difference.

Have you Stopped Asking for What You Want?

If there is something to gain and nothing to lose by asking, by all means ask! – W. Clement Stone (American best-selling Author)

Children think nothing of asking questions. They will bombard their parents with one question after another, not being content with just the first answer. Every answer seems to prompt another “why.”

Have you ever noticed how when we approach midlife, we have the tendency to stop asking questions. To stop asking for what we want. There are, of course, many reasons for this. Perhaps we don’t want to bother the other person or we may assume we already know what the answer will be or perhaps we don’t give the other person enough credit for having an intelligent answer.

I recently fell into this trap myself. For many years now I have needed more shelves in my office at my consulting job. I made the assumption that the office configuration was set and that was that! Recently, a newly-hired consultant proceeded to ask for more shelving for her office. Guess what — within a few days, there were the facilities folks putting up new shelving.

It had never occurred to me to ask but you can rest assured that promptly thereafter, I did. My new shelves should be installed any day now!

Are you asking for what you want and need? When you don’t ask, the answer is always “no.” If you have nothing to lose and will be no worse off than you are now, go ahead and ask. You may be pleasantly surprised … as I was.

Become like a child again, think about what you want and take a chance. If you ask politely and respectfully, there’s a very good chance the answer will be “yes.”

Perfectionism Leads to Procrastination

“I am careful not to confuse excellence with perfection.Excellence, I can reach for; perfection is God’s business.”  – Michael J. Fox

Are you dealing with the fear of not being perfect?  Is failure unacceptable?  If you equate your self-worth with doing everything in your life perfectly, one of the things you will end up doing is procrastinating.  Procrastination protects you from rejection when you aren’t perfect. And nobody is perfect.  As human beings we all have our flaws and foibles.

Where did you pick up the belief that you had to be perfect?  Perhaps your mother often called you her “perfect little girl” or “the perfect little gentleman.”  At some point in your childhood, you learned that it was more about what you DID than WHO YOU WERE.

When you were given respect and appreciation, it was because of the things that you did rather than because of who you were as a person. This feeling was reinforced over time so that you developed the core belief that to gain love and respect you had to DO something. The more perfectly you did it, the greater the amount of appreciation and love you received.  The other side of that coin was the belief that you weren’t worthy of love and respect if you made any mistakes at all. If you wanted to be loved, your best wasn’t good enough if it wasn’t perfect.

Beliefs such as …

• I must be perfect and do things perfectly
• Everything I do should be right the first time - I should make no errors
• If it is not done right, it is not worth doing
• I should have no limitations

… lead to “if I can’t do it perfectly, I won’t even try.

Questions to Ask Yourself

• Do I need to be perfect or is excelling good enough?
• How is the need to be perfect hindering me?
• Am I clear about what excellence looks like?
• Am I willing to let go of the need to be perfect?
• Who am I trying to please with the need to be perfect?

Stressed Out by the Way You See Yourself?

“You cannot consistently perform in a manner which is inconsistent with the way you see yourself ” - Zig Ziglar

Do you find that something is always getting in the way of you achieving your goals? You do all the right things but you just can’t get to first base, never mind home base! Perhaps it all comes down to the way you see yourself. If you can’t picture yourself succeeding, you won’t get there.

Your logical left brain may be making all the right moves but your vision of yourself is wishy-washy. Your vision or self-image is the way you define yourself, the way you are in the world. It drives everything you do.

Your self image is dictated by your most important beliefs. You may be aware of some of these beliefs but others are hidden under the surface. For example, “I’m too old for this” or “I don’t have the right connections” or “I need an MBA or they won’t think I’m credible.” On and on it goes. If you change these hidden beliefs, you can make huge strides in changing your life because the way you see yourself will change.

Many of these beliefs come from significant emotional events that we went through when we were young. Words that our parents said to us, we took on as our own and we saw ourselves that way. Perhaps you were told “you’re stupid” or “you’ll never amount to anything” or “you’re always doing something dumb.” We connected to these concepts through our conscious, feeling hurt and disappointed. We felt powerless. As adults, we shrug our shoulders and say “This is just the way I am.”

Most people (yes, even the rich and famous) are afflicted with some form of “I’m not good enough.” You will have a hard time being successful in any area of your life in which you feel not good enough.

So how do you change these negative thoughts. There are a number of ways but my favorite is EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) or “emotional acupuncture.” Start globally with “Even though I don’t feel good enough to — ” Then ask yourself “WHERE am I not good enough?” and “HOW am I not good enough?” Pay attention to where you feel it in your body. Then start tapping. If you’re not familiar with EFT, contact me so that I can help you get started.

So bottom line, if you want to perform in a successful manner, see yourself as being successful. Do whatever you have to in order to get rid of any limiting beliefs that tell you otherwise. Once you have a crystal-clear picture of attaining your goals, when you feel the excitement of success and when you hear those words of praise, then you will be well on the road to goal achievement.