Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life

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Paradise

Just could this be paradise

right here where you are?

Nirvana within you

not somewhere afar?

Tho’ some would decry it

and say it can’t be

just follow along

if you long to be free.

Your life’s what you make it -

your choices each day

the thoughts that you harbor

and words that you say

determine the status

of your life today.

So if you want more

than you think you have now

watch closely your mindset

and you’ll find out how

Just live in the present.

Think only the best

about yourself first

and then all the rest

of your brothers and sisters -

you’ll find that you’re blest

and really in paradise.

It’s all in your mind.

Whatever you look for

is just what you’ll find.

— Larry Brophy

(Photo by H. Thronson)

Midlife: Following Your Passions: If Not Now, When?

There are a number of reality shows out there in TV land.  They feature dancers, singers, models, fashion designers, home designers, chefs etc. etc. The only show along those lines that I’ve ever really followed is Dancing With the Stars though I have to admit I enjoy the food-related ones as well.

What makes people appear on those shows?  Probably a number of different reasons but the bottom line is that they are passionate about the skill they bring to the show.  They give their all. They are focused on being absolutely the best they can be at their craft.  All in the hopes of winning and being able to fulfill the dream of living their passion.  Every decision they make, every sacrifice is based on following their passion.  Some are successful, some aren’t.

Take Paul Potts, the winner of the Got Talent competition, for example. He always liked opera. With his self-confidence at rock bottom because he was always “different”, he sang in private to console himself.  At the age of 37, nervous and shy, he nonetheless showed up for the audition of Britain’s Got Talent competition and launched into a spectacular tenor aria Nessun Dorma. The judges and the world were stunned. He went on not merely to win, but to sing for the Queen. And now having produced a hugely popular CD he is touring the world.

Are you following your passions?  If not, why not?

All too often we make choices that are not in favor of our passions because we can’t see HOW that passion could possibly be fulfilled. You are not responsible for the HOW.  Your job is to get crystal clear on the WHAT. Once you are focused on and totally committed to the WHAT, the HOW will take care of itself. By taking even small action steps you will find opportunities coming to you that you hadn’t even imagined. When Paul Potts committed to the WHAT, the HOW appeared.

You can discover your passions without spending agonizing months in front of audiences and a panel of judges.  Let The Passion Test(tm) help you become clear on those five things that would leave you feeling terribly unfulfilled if you didn’t accomplish them during your life.  If not now, when?

Midlife Lifestyle: Time to Bring Back Conversation

The following article got my attention because it covers a topic that had just been on my mind.

My husband and I recently returned from a trip to Orlando (part business, part pleasure).  While there we found an incredible restaurant/wine and jazz bar where we had a delicious meal, excellent service and great conversation.

During the evening a “middle-aged”, well-dressed, professional-looking couple came in and were seated a few tables away.  Since they were in my line of sight I couldn’t help but notice them during the hour or so that they were there. The interesting part was that they probably only spoke with one another for about 10 minutes during the whole time. Didn’t they have anything else to say?

Obviously, there could have been a number of reasons they weren’t communicating (just had a fight, jet lag, etc) but my thought was “how sad.”  As the following article goes on to state, we have, in many cases, lost the art of conversation.

Perhaps it’s time we brought it back!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Is the Art of Conversation Dying?

(And if so, why?)

Broadly speaking, I’d answer with “Yes.”  I notice much less of this art than I did a few decades ago.

Another way I respond to this question is that “The artists of conversation are dying off, and there are fewer remaining.”

Why are they “dying off”?

As with the pandemic of obesity and poor health, if people have too little exercise and too much junk food, their health will fail. High blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, etc.

The same is true with the art of conversation: It’s a “use it or lose it” situation.

Here are some key reasons why this art seems to be dying:

1.  We live in a hurry-up world that doesn’t support lengthy conversations. The main way people learn and maintain skills in the art of conversation is the amount of time they devote to it.  But if everyone’s rushing and too busy to talk, their skills suffer.

2. Conversation has been replaced by television as a form of social and family entertainment.  Although you may go to the home of friends to watch a TV show or a DVD, you are less likely to pay a visit for an evening of talk.  The number of hours Americans spend watching television is huge compared to the time they spend talking.

During my childhood, family friends and their kids would come for a visit and an evening of coffee and conversation.  We kids would play board games or cards.   Sometimes kids would just listen to the grown-ups, especially if one of them was a good story-teller.  Nowadays?  Not so much.  In fact, almost not at all.

3.  True “third places” are fewer. Not the home or the workplace, but a place that is highly accessible and free or inexpensive for food and drink such as lodges, bowling alleys, neighborhood pubs, coffee shops.  At best, they’re like the bar in the classic TV show Cheers, “where everybody knows my name.”

Robert Putnam of Harvard wrote his book, Bowling Alone (2000) to describe the “The Collapse and Revival of American Community.”    Since its publication I have seen a continuing collapse - but not many signs of revival.

4.  My guess:  Conversation skills are not valued in our society as they once were. Rarely do I hear a person described as “well-spoken,” or as a “fascinating conversationalist.”   I used to hear such phrases as compliments that identified a person.

What is valued is sought after.  My belief is that if conversation skill were highly valued, hundreds of courses and programs would spring up to support people to master the skill.

What can you do to maintain or grow your art of conversation?

• Participate in a book club where members discuss ideas.  (Most public libraries host or know about such clubs in your community.)
• Join or form a “conversation café.”  The rules for setting up such an activity are pretty simple, and get-togethers are held in local coffee shops.  Check www.conversationcafe.org for details.  Or form a “MasterMind Group”  with a few associates to help advance toward your goals.
• Defy convention and host “an evening of conversation” at your home. Turn off the tube.  Play a word game like “Fictionary” to get people talking.  Or create some “Getting to Know You” conversation starters.
• Identify the smart and articulate people in your life and invite one of them for a walk or a cup of tea for the purpose of sharing your thoughts in a deeper conversation.  (This can work, as philosopher Theodore Zeldin has demonstrated with his popular “Feast of Conversation” events in London where hundreds show up for the opportunity to talk about deep ideas with a complete stranger.)

Just as staying trim and fit takes some time and effort with exercising and eating wholesome food, keeping your art of conversation alive also takes a some special effort.

The Better Conversations Newsletter by Loren Ekroth.  Reprinted with permission.  Copyright 2010.  All Rights Reserved.  Dr. Loren Ekroth is the publisher of “Better Conversations” newsletter since 2002.  For a free subscription to The Better Conversations newsletter visit www.conversationmatters.com

Midlife: Are You the Chicken or the Eagle?

Our lives are shaped by the way we perceive ourselves.  Sadly, those perceptions are often a long way from the truth but we nonetheless behave and live as if they were true. How many times have you stopped yourself from living your dreams because you “didn’t deserve to”, “weren’t good enough to”, “didn’t have the right background”, “weren’t smart enough” or a myriad of other “good” reasons?

A perfect example of this is a story that comes from American Indian folklore. According to the legend, an Indian brave found an eagle’s egg that had somehow fallen, without breaking, from its nest. Not being able to find the nest, the brave put the egg in a prairie chicken’s nest, where the mother hen hatched it.

When the young eagle took his first steps into the world what he saw were the other prairie chickens.  So naturally he did what they were doing - scratching the ground, running around and pecking here and there looking for grains and husks. Every now and again they would use their wings to fly a few feet above the ground. This was the way he perceived life was meant to be and this was how he lived for most of his days.

The legend continues with how one day an eagle flew over the chickens. The now elderly eagle, still thinking he was a prairie chicken, looked up in awe and admired the bird as it soared through the sky. “What is it?” he asked, astonished.  One of the chickens replied, “That is an eagle, the proudest, strongest and most magnificent of all the birds. But don’t imagine that you could be like that. You are one of us and we are just prairie chickens.”

And so, imprisoned by this belief, the eagle lived and died thinking he was prairie chicken.

Think “impossible” and dreams get discarded, projects get abandoned, and hope for wellness is torpedoed.  But let someone yell the words “It’s possible,” and resources we hadn’t been aware of come rushing in to assist us in our quest.  I believe we are all potentially brilliant and creative-but only if we believe it, only if we have an attitude of positive expectancy toward our ideas, and only if we act on them. - Greg Anderson, “The 22 Non-Negotiable Laws of Wellness”

It’s a Matter of Perception

One day a father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose of showing his son how poor people can be. They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family.

On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, “How was the trip?” “It was great, Dad.” “Did you see how poor people can be?” the father asked. “Oh Yeah” said the son. “So what did you learn from the trip?” asked the father.

The son answered, “I saw that we have one dog and they had four. We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end. We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night. Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon.

We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight. We have servants who serve us, but they serve others. We buy our food, but they grow theirs. We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them.” With this the boy’s father was speechless. Then his son added, “Thanks dad for showing me how poor we are.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Each day we go through a myriad of feelings.  Sometimes we’re joyful and happy, sometimes frustrated and angry or perhaps simply in a neutral space.  One feeling lasts for a period of time and is then replaced by another one.

These feelings are the result of our perceptions about what is going on in the moment.  Our reality.  But my reality is not the same as your reality.  Imagine that you are out walking at dusk.  You turn a corner on a dusty road, see a snake and scream.  I am right behind you, turn the same corner and see only a piece of rope on the road. Same situation, different perceptions.  In the story above, the father sees poverty where his son sees abundance.

So next time you are feeling frustrated, angry and irritated, at yourself or someone else, take a moment and try to see the situation from a different perspective. Sometimes life isn’t fair and sometimes we have no control over events but there’s always another way to look at it if we just stop and take the time.

“We don’t see things as they are. We see them as we are.” – Anais Nin

Choose to Enjoy Being Alone

A Relationship with Self

Enjoy Being Alone

Being Alone

The most important relationship we have in our lives is with our selves, mind, body and spirit.

The most important relationship we have in our lives is with our selves. And even though we are the only ones who are present at every moment of our lives-from birth onward-this relationship can be the most difficult one to cultivate. This may be because society places such emphasis on the importance of being in a romantic partnership, even teaching us to set aside our own needs for the needs of another. Until we know ourselves, however, we cannot possibly choose the right relationship to support our mutual growth toward our highest potential. By allowing ourselves to be comfortable with being alone, we can become the people with whom we want to have a relationship.

Perhaps at no other time in history has it been possible for people to survive, and even thrive, while living alone. We can now support ourselves financially, socially, and emotionally without needing a spouse for survival in any of these realms. With this freedom, we can pursue our own interests and create fulfilling partnerships with friends, business partners, creative cohorts, and neighbors. Once we’ve satisfied our needs and created our support system, a mate then becomes someone with whom we can share the bounty of all we’ve created and the beauty we’ve discovered within ourselves.

As we move away from tradition and fall into more natural cycles of being in the world today, we may find that there are times where being alone nourishes us and other periods in which a partnership is best for our growth. We may need to learn to create spaces to be alone within relationships. When we can shift our expectations of our relationships with ourselves and others to opportunities for discovery, we open ourselves to forge new paths and encounter uncharted territory. Being willing to know and love ourselves, and to find what truly makes us feel deeply and strongly, gives us the advantage of being able to attract and choose the right people with whom to share ourselves, whether those relationships fall into recognizable roles or not. Choosing to enjoy being alone allows us to fully explore our most important relationship-the one with our true selves.

This article is printed from DailyOM - Inspirational thoughts for a happy, healthy and fulfilling day.
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When I’ve been Unsuccessful, I’ve been Controlled …

When I’ve been unsuccessful, I’ve been controlled. When I’ve been successful, I’ve been in control - Katherine Hepburn

Questions to Ask Yourself…

• If your life is out of control, who or what is “calling the shots”?  (You may not be able to abdicate your responsibilities, but you can control the way you view them)

• Why are you allowing the who or what to control you?  (You must be gaining some benefit by allowing this to happen. If you weren’t getting something out of it, you would change it)

• What will happen if you take back control?   (It may not be as bad as you think)

• Do you know what taking back control looks like?  (Clarity is the first step)

Action Steps

• Decide on what the most important thing in your life is right now.

• Take just one step that will give you back some control and then follow it up with more small steps.

• Understand that it’s YOUR choice.

You can’t ignore external life situations but you’ll never be successful if you allow them to control your thoughts and emotions. Blaming them for your success or failure is like waking up in the morning and asking someone else how you should feel.

Midlife: Do You Let Your Inner Child Come Out and Play?

Most of us feel we are supposed to be one personality and wonder why we often feel like life is not working out the way we want it to. One minute we feel one way and then a few minutes or hours later we feel another way. The thing is, we are not just one person but a multitude of different sub-personalities who all want their “time in the sun.”

The work personality wants to get the job done while the play personality wants to relax and enjoy life. So we bounce back and forward feeling guilty when one runs the show and won’t let the other one out. Perhaps it is time you let the “playful child” lead you by the hand.

Some people are in touch with their playful inner child but many of us have suppressed or buried that personality because somewhere along the way we discovered that it wasn’t safe. Over the years we built stronger defense systems as a means of protection till the needs of “the child” were nowhere near being fulfilled. So the challenge is getting back in touch with your playful self.

There are many ways to do this but one of my favorites is playing with a puppy. Perhaps for you it’s a kitten. Any young animal is a delight to watch. Their carefree playfulness, their antics and the unconditional love they display can bring out that inner child, make you smile and warm your heart.

Start to think about some things that are fun and that you can include in your daily life. Even if it’s just a few minutes in the morning or the evening, find out what your “child” likes to do. You will bring more balance, joy, fulfillment and harmony into your life.

(The photo is one of my niece’s new puppies.  She and her husband breed Alaskan Malamutes in Australia.  Isn’t he just the cutest!)

Silence is Golden

Silence is Golden

The Sound of Silence

Speech needs company; silence needs solitude.
Speech wants to conquer others; silence helps conquer oneself.

Speech makes friends or foes; silence befriends all.
Speech demands respect; silence commands it.

Speech is earth-bound; silence is heaven-bound.
Speech educates; silence exalts.
Speech is subjective; silence objective.

Speech has regrets; silence none.
Speech has limitations; silence is boundless.
Speech needs effort; silence a lot more.

Speech is human; silence is Divine.
While speaking you are heard by creatures; in silence you hear the creator.

Silence leads to a stillness of the mind,
Then to introspection,
Then to self-cleansing,
Finally to liberation.

— Prema Pandurang

I live alongside a busy highway where the constant sound of vehicles, sirens and horns fills the air 24 hours a day, seven days a week.  It is so noisy that if I leave the bedroom window open, sleep is almost impossible.  There are times when I search for silence, when I crave it. It rejuvenates my jangling mind like nothing else can.

And it’s not just physical noise that ramps up the stress levels.  There’s also the constant chatter of your own mind, racing from one thought to the next. Those thoughts that keep on going, just like the energizer bunny.  Perhaps you need some silence, some stillness of the mind. Even just a brief period of silence can lower your blood pressure, slow down the heart and lessen some of that adrenaline flowing through your veins.

So right now, find a quiet spot and for just a few minutes let go of your “to do” list and close your eyes, breathing in deeply and slowly once, twice and a third time. Find the silence and let it heal you!

Have you Stopped Asking for What You Want?

If there is something to gain and nothing to lose by asking, by all means ask! – W. Clement Stone (American best-selling Author)

Children think nothing of asking questions. They will bombard their parents with one question after another, not being content with just the first answer. Every answer seems to prompt another “why.”

Have you ever noticed how when we approach midlife, we have the tendency to stop asking questions. To stop asking for what we want. There are, of course, many reasons for this. Perhaps we don’t want to bother the other person or we may assume we already know what the answer will be or perhaps we don’t give the other person enough credit for having an intelligent answer.

I recently fell into this trap myself. For many years now I have needed more shelves in my office at my consulting job. I made the assumption that the office configuration was set and that was that! Recently, a newly-hired consultant proceeded to ask for more shelving for her office. Guess what — within a few days, there were the facilities folks putting up new shelving.

It had never occurred to me to ask but you can rest assured that promptly thereafter, I did. My new shelves should be installed any day now!

Are you asking for what you want and need? When you don’t ask, the answer is always “no.” If you have nothing to lose and will be no worse off than you are now, go ahead and ask. You may be pleasantly surprised … as I was.

Become like a child again, think about what you want and take a chance. If you ask politely and respectfully, there’s a very good chance the answer will be “yes.”